Jokes. Good, Bad, and Ugly

[Peebs]

Haw!!

[Rev. Greg]

St. Patricks day.

Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'

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Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he is watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay pedestrians'. Then he allows the traffic to pass. He did this several times, and Gallagher is still standing on the sidewalk.

After the cop has shouted 'Pedestrians' for the tenth time, Gallagher approaches him and says, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

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O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'
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[will]

What did the left testicle say to the right testicle?
Who cares they're just talking bollocks!

[Rev. Greg]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy
3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the
back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son,
the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs
up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS.'

[Rev. Greg]

A Letter To Jessie James:

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth is shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin' away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.

Tiger Woods

[Rev. Greg]

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

[bobbldr]

SCOTCH WITH TWO DROPS OF WATER

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with 2 drops
of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'



As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would
like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with 2 drops of
water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy
you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with 2
drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

[Rev. Greg]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Rev. Greg]

( you can change parties at random but I like it this way! LOL)

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

When, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling, the Democrat jumped up and started running away yelling, "Don't touch me ...... I'm collecting disability."

[bobbldr]

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

[Rev. Greg]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
> harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
> were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
> oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
>
> My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
> Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to
> get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income
> and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
> working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home
> from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
>
> Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
> for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.. I don't yell at her.
> Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
> on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so
> eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I
> hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
> But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
> after dinner.
>
> I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
> that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as
> it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
> ;
> Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say
> that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
> her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
> smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or
> even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind
> her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if
> you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
>
> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
> She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I
> try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
> big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while..
> And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
> for me too.
>
> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm
> not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
> find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
> I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if
> you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
> because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
> worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
>
> Signed,
> Jim
>
> EDITOR'S NOTE:
> Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report
> says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
> golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing,
> and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged
> with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not
> Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking,
> accidentally sat down on his golf club.
> HAVE A GREAT DAY.

[Rev. Greg]

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for
drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[bobbldr]

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

[bobbldr]

WHY CALIFORNIA IS BROKE
CALIFORNIA vs. ARIZONA

California: Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.


2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.
3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.
4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.
5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.
6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.
8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.
9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.
10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.

Arizona: Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks dog.
1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. Buzzards eat dead coyote.

And that's why California is broke.

[Rev. Greg]

> 1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly,
> age 6)
>
> 2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
>
> 3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
> have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)
>
> 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
> Richardson. She's not my friend
> any more. (Kylie, age 6)
>
> 5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
> (Billy, age 8)
>
> 6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
> pots and comes back with crabs.
> (Millie, age 6)
>
> 7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
> the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would
> whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been
> better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
>
> 8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
> and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get
> pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
>
> 9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
> always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has
> just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
>
> 10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
> give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
> think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age
> 7)
>
> 11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it
> makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
>
> 12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
> can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky,
> age 8)
>
> 13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
> going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
> right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
>
> 14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't
> drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
>
> 15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
> What he doesn't know is why he
> quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)